by Smokey Briggs, editor-publisher The Monahans News
I despair for the next generation
All right, I am going to go ahead and call it: the Republic is Dead.
By definition, a Republic must be peopled by strong minded, capable, men and women. I am fairly sure that such is no longer the case in these united States.
In the commercial, an able-bodied male of driving age, so at least 16 years old, with nearly hysterical hand-wringing, whines of being “stranded” in the middle of the night, because he has a flat tire on his car, and then “becoming an adult” by getting insurance with “road-side assistance.”
The first time, nothing really computed. I was simply left confused. I was sure I had missed some double entendre or bit of wit or fact — and that this was a joke. It had to be, right?
The second time, it dawned on me, that the purpose of the commercial really was to sell road-side assistance to able bodied men, but I was sure that I had to be mistaken. How ridiculous. It’s a flat tire. Change it. A jack, a lug wrench, a spare, 10 minutes, and Walla! you are mobile again.
So, I watched it a third time. To my great despair, I had perceived the message correctly. The advertisement really is targeting able-bodied men with the message that they do not have to be stranded on the side of the road during the scary dark time if they have insurance that features road-side assistance.
I gagged a little as the full implications of the advertisement seeped into my brain.
We are not talking about slipping your points and having to sand them down a bit and then resetting them with a match book and a pocket knige so you can limp your trusted buggy home. It is a flat tire, the most common, mundane, easy to fix of all automotive problems.
It was evening, so I called all of my children to me, three daughters and one son, ages 9-20.
“Watch this,” I said, and we watched the commercial together.
“My daughters,” I said, “If you ever bring anything this pathetic to my house for any reason other than to use him as coyote bait, I will turn him into coyote bait anyway, and disown you. You owe your ancestors better than to mix your genetics with that, whatever that is.”
Then I looked at Charlie.
“My son, that is a non-human. I would say, that it is girl, but that would be insulting to real women everywhere. If you ever act that helpless know that I brought you into this world and I reserve the right to take you out.”
Okay, I actually did not do that. I thought about it. Then I quickly realized that there was no need. With great satisfaction I realized that my children were of better stock and better raising.
Dixie is but 12 years old, and I know for a fact she could skin the flat off that car, and have it rolling again in 15 minutes, and that she would find a cheater bar to break the lugnuts free, since she only weighs about 100 pounds soaking wet. But she could and would get it done. I know, because I’ve trained her.
But quickly my smug happiness was replaced by a great depression.
If a company the size of Liberty Mutual were making such an advertisement, then probably there really was a market of these things living in America.
I use the word thing, because I have no apt name for them. Certainly they are not men. I’m not sure it would qualify as even male.
According to my anthropology class in college, one trait of a thinking creature is the use of tools.
Chimpanzees use tools. This thing can’t even use a tool as simple as a jack or a lug wrench.
So what is it?
How far back in the evolutionary process would we have to go to find an ancestor to man that was this stupid and helpless?
I have heard that lemurs are an early branch off man’s evolutionary tree, and lemurs are big-eyed creatures that live in trees and eat bugs.
So, I will call this thing Lemur-biped. I thought about calling him Lemur-man, but including the word “man” was just too much.
How long can the Republic survive if a sizable portion of the population are Lemur-bipeds?
Then, if that is not depressing enough, it occurred to me that these Lemur-bipeds were part of the up-and-coming gene pool.
I may have reared strong, capable humans, but what are they going to date and marry if the world is now full of Lemur-kin?
It was hard enough to find a good mate 30 years ago when this de-evolutionary disaster did not exist.
Not being one to wallow in despair, I decided on a plan of action (if any lemur-kin are reading this, that is something that men do).
Just in case my daughters cannot find a man in a fully evolved form, I am developing a short-term training program to turn lemur-kin into men, or if they fail, into dirt.
At the end of my short (one-year) program the candidate will either be a red-meat-eating, tool-using, weapons-proficient, problem-solving man, or he will have died trying to become one.
I can live with either outcome.
Admittedly, it is a last ditch solution, so please, will some of you please, please, please put in the time and effort to raise some sons who act like, and are proud to be men, and daughters who act like, and are proud to be women.
It might save all of us a lot of time and anguish.
Smokey Briggs can be reached at Smokey@pecos.net.
All unclassified Army and Marine Cops manuals and correspondence courses are products of the US Federal Government. They are NOT subject to copyright and can be freely copied and redistributed.
The Marine Corps Institute (MCI) develops correspondence courses for Marines with all kinds of Military Occupational Specialties (MOS) on all manner of subjects. This is one of those courses.
The print is relatively small because that is the way it was in the original and this is an exact reproduction. Also, as a tribute to the individual (and a touch of reality), you will notice that the editorial pencil marks and underlined passages that were put there by the Marine that took this course. They were intentionally left in the reproduction.
This version of the course was authorized in September of 1984. With the exception the development of Infrared technology, it contains information and techniques that have changed very little since the Vietnam war. These battle proven tactics are as valid today as they were in Quang Nam province in 1968.
They will maintain their validity during the upcoming inevitable event of total economic, political and social collapse. Yours for freedom in our lifetimes. jtl, 419